The call of the void

Have you every been on the edge of a very high point and felt the sudden urge to leap or fall? Not in a suicidal way, but in a more “I wonder what that would feel like” way.

Obviously, if you’re reading this, you never actually jumped. The vast majority of us will probably feel a rush of adrenaline, and slowly back away from the edge.

That sensation is called: “L’appel du vide”, or “The call of the void.”

It’s an experience we’d rarely share with anyone else simply because there’d be almost no way to convince them we weren’t suicidal…that we were merely profoundly curious, and we’d never actually jump. In fact, sometimes it can be easy to mistake a fear of heights with “The call of the void.”

It’s the same with temptation: when we give in, it’s because we’re far more curious than afraid. (Consequences be damned.)

The Genesis poem about creation…the serpent asks Eve, “Did God REALLY say not to eat the fruit?”

She justified…and ate…then Adam justified…and ate.

The story of David leaving behind his kingly duties so he could watch Bathsheba bathe naked.

He already have wives (plural) and concubines at his disposal…but he still justified…and slept with her while her husband was at war, fighting for David’s kingdom.

The temptation of Jesus in the wilderness. The Devil takes him to the highest point of the temple and invites him to jump to see what would happen.

The call of the void.

Jesus laughs it off with the simplicity of, “Don’t tempt God.”

Just a few paragraphs later, Jesus rocks the entire ancient cultural boat with what we now call, “The Sermon on the Mount.” Jesus sits atop a small hillside, surrounded by multitudes hanging on his every word, and for three chapters in the gospel of Matthew, he blows their minds with teachings like: hate is the same as murder…don’t seek revenge…love your enemies.

And, of course, the ever-famous “If you look at a woman with lustful intent, you’ve already committed adultery with her in your heart.”

I’ve used this passage as a weapon countless times, and have had it used on me as well. Notice he doesn’t blame a woman’s clothing style here…it’s purely about the mind of a man. But then Jesus takes it up a notch by saying we might as well rip out whichever eye we undress a woman with.

I’m sure at that point, all the people in the crowd blinked. Every man gasped.

I was doing well to only sleep with my own wives, they must have thought, …but now I can’t even THINK about another woman? 

Impossible!

Exactly. (Because if they/we could handle it…there’d be no reason to follow Jesus around.)

Our minds are the safe haven, right? No one has to know what goes on there.

Just like we’d never tell anyone we’re curious about what it would feel like to leap from the top of a building, we’d never be completely honest about what happens in our land of thoughts.

Everything we do begins in the mind. 

But, notice Jesus doesn’t say he’s going to parade our thoughts around for all to see. He simply gives a subtle hint to the reality that he knows.

You’ll also notice Jesus doesn’t give an invitation at the end of the sermon for all the men with bad thoughts to come forward and pluck out their eyes so they won’t lust anymore…he simply invited everyone to make sure the life they were built was perched on solid ground. (Of course, he was referring to himself.)

We knew a woman who discovered her husband was quite dissatisfied with their sex life, and decided watching other people having sex was better (porn). One time she quipped, “I can’t believe a Christian man would ever want to watch that…”

What?

Why?

King David (the ONLY one in the Bible named a “man after God’s own heart”) watches a woman he’s not married to bathe naked, has sex with her, gets her pregnant, then has her husband killed so he can keep her for himself, and YOU can’t believe YOUR husband watched porn?!

The challenge for followers of Jesus is one of honesty. The majority of Church communities (at least in the West) aren’t places where people can be genuinely honest…about doubt…fear…anger…questions…struggle…much less sex. Someone very close to me was even kicked out of a church at fifteen for being a little too honest about her sexual issues.

If we can’t be completely honest about small things, we’ll never be honest about big ones.

It took me nearly eight years of marriage to get over my fear of being completely honest with my wife. Because I didn’t want her to think I was a mental disaster. Much to my surprise, we now have amazing conversations about faith, sex, life, struggle…everything.

I think instead of continuing to look for things and people to blame for temptation (i.e., all the beautiful women around us…), let’s look back to Jesus…stop cowering in our thoughts…step back from the ledge…laugh it off and shout back to temptation: “Don’t tempt me…because I don’t hide anymore.”

The call of the void will always be there…but I much prefer the call of real life.

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Do you have people in your life you can be completely honest with?

If not, why are you afraid of being honest?

Two words that could change your sex life…

It’s been claimed that the words “I’m sorry” are the most difficult to utter.

But there are two other words I think may be more difficult…

“Thank you.”

I’m notoriously (at least in my own mind) ungrateful. As often as I remind my children, “did you say thank you?”, I forget myself.

I forget neglect to write thank you cards.

I neglect to thank my spouse for washing my socks for the upteenth time.

I neglect to thank my kids for their help carrying in the groceries.

I neglect to thank my server for an incredible job. (And no, a huge “thank you” does not replace a good tip.)

I neglect to thank my God for the way He fills the landscape of my life with so many gracious moments I’m accustomed to overlooking.

But those two words are powerful. Just like saying, “I’m sorry”, they can break down walls of hurt, frustration, and loneliness. They can remind us of why we do what we do, and why we should do it well. When someone tells me “thank you”, it helps me look forward to next time.

Gratefulness is never wasted. On anyone. Even gratefulness for the most seemingly insignificant gestures can carry enormous momentum.

When was the last time you called your spouse, close friends, children, parents and simply said, “thank you”? Just because? (Or, maybe even someone you don’t get along with very well…?)

When was the last time you leaned over to your spouse after sex and said, “thank you”? (Heck, they may be so thrilled to hear it, you might inadvertently instigate round two!)

When was the last time you said “thank you” to your children for unloading the dishwasher without complaining? (You might also need to couple that “thank you” with a trip to the ice cream shop).

When was the last time you thanked _______________? (You fill in that one).

We all know of people around us who could use words of gratefulness.

Gratitude isn’t about guilt or relational debt, it’s about making light of how much the people around us are worth. When we take moments and people for granted, it’s as if we’re carrying around a billboard that shouts, “I WAS ENTITLED TO WHAT JUST HAPPENED ANYWAY!”

No you weren’t. Ever.

Perhaps more than you deserved whatever incredible moment you just experienced, the person at the other end deserves to be thanked.

Today, shatter every “thank you” record you’ve ever set before. People might think you’re on your way out…and you are…eventually, so make every moment a grateful one.

Oh…and by the way, THANK YOU for reading this post.

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“If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, “thank you,” that would suffice.” // Meister Eckhart

I’ve created a monster

So my wife has been in Haiti for nearly a week and I’ve been holding down the fort with our five villagers (8 and under) at home.

In the midst of being completely starved of any adult conversation, I received a text message from her today that didn’t surprise me a bit, but also launched one phrase into the orbit of my mind:

“I’ve created a monster.”

One of the highest priorities my organization, SafeWorld, has right now is maternal health…which is a critical area of need, and I wager it has significant effects on every other major humanitarian issue. But, that’s a topic for another day…

Jordana’s text message simply said she wants to be a midwife.

As I said, I wasn’t surprised. We’ve talked about it at great length, all of our children have been born at home (including one I actually delivered because our midwife was late…you’ll read about that next week), and she’s always loved everything about pregnancy / labor / delivery. (Weirdo).

And, I sent her down to interact with some friends in Haiti who are running an amazing maternity center. Brilliant. Now I suppose she’ll want to bring her dream to life…to…help people.

We’ll jokingly say things like “I’ve created a monster” when we know we’ve played a role in awakening something in someone else.

Typically we use that line to mask our annoyance. But for me, it’s begun to mean something different. I almost feel like Colin Clive yelling “It’s alive!” in the 1931 version of Frankenstein.

It’s good to be alive…it’s good to help bring things to life, especially the passions and dreams of someone you love greatly.

While we’re alive is the only time we have to turn passions into tangibility.

I don’t know about you, but I always give myself plenty of freedom to chase dreams, fully expecting my family to tag along for the ride.

My wife, Jordana, has been consistently faithful, supportive, and encouraging…even when my pursuit hits a wall and we must change direction. But for some reason, when she lights the fuse of one of her dreams, I get nervous…I mean…if she sees this through, it could really affect me (which is code for “I may have to give something up and I don’t want to, so she should probably hold off for a while”).

It’s scary when you hear things like, “I think I’d like to go back to school” … “What do you think about adoption?” … “What if we sold everything and moved to a different country?”

Each of us is designed with longings that, if nurtured, will change this earth. So, when your spouse, friend, family member, comes to you with those expectant eyes: don’t ever ever suffocate their desires.

Few things are as convicting or gut-wrenching as watching the light go out because you assassinated someone’s yearning. I say this because it’s happened to me, and I’ve done it to Jordana before. I’ve seen the light go out…but now it’s back…and this time, I’m ready.

Be a listener…be a question asker…give them room to fail…but never be a dream killer.

Hold the door for them as they step out…be a red carpet unraveler (new word?), then cheer the loudest as you walk the road with them. You aren’t in charge of the timeframe of their dream, but you have huge impact on the quality of its life. Their dream might even look completely different in the end than it sounded in the beginning, but they need to know that you will not.

And yes, it will cramp your world a bit. It might even change everything.

Remember, you are your spouse’s first community. Their safe haven is with you, and together your refuge is in Christ. 

Frederick Buechner says, “The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”

The world has a deep hunger for something that makes someone else deeply glad…and they need you to help bring it to life. Even if you aren’t married, you still play a vital role for those in your community.

Our window in the grand timeline is short. Don’t put it off any longer.

I’ve decided I like creating monsters…especially the ones that will change the world.

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“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” // Ephesians 2:10

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Have you ever suffocated a dream of your spouse or someone else?

One time I got dumped on my birthday…

One time I got dumped on my birthday.

Underneath a starry sky.

I went outside with her to what I was hoping was a special “present” (wink, wink), but instead she beat the crap out of my heart and left it bloodied and bruised by the curb.

Ok, that was a little melodramatic. Sorry…I’ve just always wondered what it would be like to be Emo.

She even used the “God told me to” line. Which of course left me wondering if my whole life I had actually been following a false god, because I thought our relationship had been getting a Heavenly thumbs-up for Level 3. (I have no idea what Level 3 is, but I do know it’s not the same as 3rd base). But then I figured that she must be a one who was mistaken because I was a PK (pastor’s kid), and PK’s are NEVER on the wrong side of an issue. (Right, guys?)

Anywho.

It hurt.

I mean, who actually enjoys getting dumped?

The next day, I began the spin with what were and always will be two of the WORST. LINES. EVER.

“It was mutual” (it wasn’t), and “We’re just gonna be GREAT friends.” (ha!)

I thought my life was over.

But, fortunately, I was still in high-school, so within weeks I was back on the market.

From our earliest memories we learn how to walk away. We even learn how to use walking away as a scare tactic to get people to do what we want.

As a child, how many times did you yell, “I’m not your friend anymore!” when another 4-year-old got all up in your all-these-toys-are-mine zone?

I’m not sure what percentage of the time it worked, but I do know we learned it early.

How often in the middle of a heated moment with a close friend, the person you’re dating or your spouse have either of you stopped everything and said: “Look…this is a really difficult moment/season for us, but I just want you to know I’m here. I’m not leaving. I’m staying, and we are going to fix this.”?

I’d wager not very often. Those lines are an exception. The rule is: “If you don’t get your life together…I’m leaving. I’m outta here.”

In fact, for the first four years of my marriage, I can’t remember one time where I verbally said to my wife, “I don’t care how hard this is, I’m not going anywhere.”

I never had any plans of leaving, but I simply didn’t make a point of reminding her that I was staying. And I found a million things to distract my heart from actually being around when it was time to deal the things that mattered.

I was physically there, but also somewhere else.

Why?

Because my eyes were on the storms…the circumstances…the imperfections…(and it was much easier to make a big deal about hers than my own).

The only reason Peter began to sink in the lake as he walked to Jesus was because He took his eyes off where they were supposed to be.

In our relationships, we resort to fear tactics because we think it will shock the other person into doing something.

Instead, it only gives our mind permission to form a terrible definition of love that says: They will love me only as long as I don’t mess this up.

That’s an impossible way to live.

Our lives were meant to emulate a love that decimates fear.

Our relationships were meant to be a neon billboard screaming to the world of how to stay, not how to leave.

Our homes were designed to be a safe place to run TO and not AWAY from when the squeeze of life begins.

But in order for that to happen, we must take our cues from the right source.

“Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced [God's] perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first.” // 1 John 4:18-19

Love > Fear.

Who needs you to remind them that you’re staying today?

Did your spouse get the better end of the deal? (this is for single people too)

Married people: how would your spouse describe you?

Single people: how do you hope your spouse will describe you one day?

Honestly, that question will sober me up in a jiffy.

Mostly because the first thing that comes to mind are all demerit marks I’ve garnered on the chalkboard of our marriage over the last nine plus years.

And then I begin loading up the other side of the scales with all the ways I think I’m incredible. Internally I breathe a sigh of relief as I watch all of my flawless attributes tip the scales deeply in my favor.

(Of course, my own opinion of myself is completely unbiased and not defensive at all.)

What’s interesting to me is how quickly my mind floods with the bad decisions I’ve made and stupid things I’ve said (and oh man, I’ve got a gift for saying unfortunate things at the most inopportune times.)

Even more interesting is the high-tech internal defense system I’ve created to counter all the realities of my humanity and immaturity with all the ways I’m completely lovely before the former thoughts sink the opinion ship.

However, marriage isn’t sustained by moments of romantic bliss, dripping with the dew of Heaven. Nor is it eroded by moments where you really wish God designed the sacrament with unlimited mulligans.

Sustaining this holy bond is marinated in the decision day after day (before your head leaves the pillow) to give yourself wholly to the mysterious, beautiful journey God designed. Erosion begins with comparing who gives more than who.

I can’t ever imagine my wife complaining that I’m too giving, or selfless or committed.

Reality is, every night I share the covers with someone I know I don’t deserve, but she chooses to be with me anyway.

There will always be relational junk drawers to clean out and reorganize, and water under the bridge to mop up. But trust me, God has created plenty of room for both of you to grow, fall, and try again.

The trick is to make sure you afford your other half the grace you expect them to afford you.

Author Anne Lamott has this to say: “A good marriage is where both people feel like they’re getting the better end of the deal.”

So….

Did they?