So today is our 10th wedding anniversary

 

The moments of our wedding day seem so far away now. 

How young we were…felt…acted…

All the names of faces of our family and friends who gathered to celebrate…

Who cried the most…

How our wedding photos were a disaster…

The fact that we didn’t even get to eat anything at our reception…

How we didn’t even care…because we were married! (Although I’m pretty sure we had NO idea what that meant at the time.)

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Even further away are the earlier chapters of our story.

Meeting each other when we were 10 and 11 after an Easter Play…

Becoming best (if not at times, awkward) friends…

Trying to date for two weeks and then crashing and burning…

The time she told me she would never marry me…(because I was an idiot)

The time she told me she’d love to marry me…(because I finally stopped being an idiot)

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But right in front of us at all times are the chapters of our story right now.

Six children (ranging from 9 to 2-weeks old)

Laying in bed with someone every night who hates the status quo as much as I do…

Navigating some of the darkest days of marriage…and coming through stronger…

Struggles…doubts…hopes…

Gripping each other’s hands tightly as we walked down the hospital hallway after sending our special-needs son to brain surgery…

The secret plans…quiet joys…maddening moments…knowing looks…

And amidst the always higher piles of laundry, toy-littered rooms, and seemingly surmountable daily family needs…there she is…here we are…together.

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It’s funny…we don’t even have anything planned for today. Not a special dinner or sexy getaway (we do have a 2-week-old after all)…we’ll have to save some extra time for later.

Today we’ll just live life.

It’ll probably be crazy, silly and a bit messy.

So I’ll probably make reservations for two on our back porch tonight. For margaritas by firelight.

Because sometimes when things are a bit more complicated than usual, it’s better to aim for simple.

And if I’ve learned anything in ten years, it’s that what I want more than anything…is simply her.

Happy anniversary, Jordana…I’m so grateful that you’re my lady and I’m your guy.

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You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride;
    you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes // Song of Solomon 4.9

 

The worst question for relationships…

As much as I enjoy writing longer posts expounding on family, life, faith and struggle…today I simply want to share a thought I’ve been mulling over to see what you think.

I’m working on a pretty gigantic project behind the scenes right now (we’ll have some teasers up soon…including the photo project many of you are helping with). As a result of the way we’re developing this, one of the questions we know some people will ask when it launches is:

“What’s in it for me?”

Such a common question…and such a dangerous one.

If I purchase stock in a company, even if it’s small and doesn’t pay dividends at the beginning, at some point I’d like to see a return on my investment. But…if I treat relationships the same way, there’s a danger that I’ll only invest as much of myself as I know I can get back. I believe approaching people with the attitude of “what’s in it for me” so often distorts, stunts and can even destroy.

When your wife isn’t in a sexy mood…”But I did the dishes, vacuumed, AND folded laundry for you today!”

When your husband doesn’t exude all the leadership qualities you desire, “But I did the sexy with you last night!”

When your kids go into meltdown mode, “But look at all this stuff I got you!”

This also works for girlfriends…boyfriends…parents…bosses…coworkers…pretty much any PEOPLE we interact with.

So…here’s the thought:

When you’re tempted to ask, “What’s in it for me?!” … remind yourself of this answer: YOU ARE. You are what’s in it for you. Not in a selfish way…in a generous way. You’re wherever you are to give yourself away.

Generosity is contagious, and changing the culture your relationships begins with you.

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Have you experienced the reality of this in your relationships?

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“If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.“ // Luke 6.32-36

The night I wrecked my car & got felt up in an ambulance…

Yep. It’s as awkward as it sounds.

Here’s what happened…

November…2001…

I was a mere 6-months away from marrying Jordana, and was waiting for her to get off work at 9pm, so we could have our regularly-scheduled-unnecessarily-lengthy phone conversation. You see, we were doing the long distance thing…she was in Tennessee and I was in Florida.

While I was counting down the minutes until I could hear her lovely voice, I decided to go for a short drive.

It was a beautiful evening, and I never saw the large Crown Victoria inching from the median head-first into my lane. The driver of said Crown Vic didn’t realize his foot wasn’t completely on the brake. As unfortunate timing would have it, we were also in the middle of a construction zone, I had nowhere to swerve and slammed into the other vehicle at 50MPH.

The only witness to the crash was an off-duty Highway Patrolman. His post-accident report stated that my car flipped six times and traveled more than 100 feet before finally coming to rest in a gravel ditch. Shortly after, I was loaded into an ambulance and whisked away to the hospital. Along the way, a young woman in a t-shirt and jeans began touching different places on my body.

As she began feeling around what I’d like to call “the special place”, a uniformed EMT sitting above me said, “Aren’t you going to tell him what you’re doing?”

Startled, she blushed and said, “Oh! My name is…and I’m just checking for broken injuries. I’m not wearing my uniform because I got called in.”

Whew. Because for a moment, I thought I was going to have some very awkward things to explain to my fiance.

It’s amazing at how many misunderstandings can be avoided by practicing a simple thing called…

Communication.

Marriages improve.

Nations avoid war.

Relationships are restored.

The list goes on and on.

Instead, what usually happens is:

1) We assume the other person already knows what’s going on and either doesn’t care or is ok with it.

2) We keep it inside and let frustrations simmer until they turn explosive and detrimental.

3) We don’t communicate because we’re embarrassed or don’t want to rock the boat.

We  hide behind the excuse of “but I’m just trying to protect them…”, and end up holding a huge sack full of selfishness. Communication, conversation, interaction is a gift, not a burden. If there’s ever something worth fighting for, it’s this.

Something I struggle with is going into “radio silence” when I’m upset about something. The problem with this tactic is, when was the last time you were internally ranting about something and disagreed with yourself? Answer: never.

It’s lazy and irresponsible to hold situations hostage by refusing to actually deal directly with the person you’re struggling with.

Maybe you need to communicate, “Please forgive me”, or “I forgive you”, or “Let’s talk some things out.”

Maybe you just need to communicate, “I love you.”

Maybe your communication doesn’t require any audible words at all.

Whatever the case, when we refuse to communicate or delay communication, we’re only allowing the people around us to be kidnapped by the wrong perspectives. I’m often guilty of this,

It’s not really a big deal in the long run if an EMT momentarily forgets to explain an inconsequential procedure…

It’s a huge deal if our avoidance darkens the road of another.

Let’s communicate as if everything depended on it…because everything does.

I’ve created a monster

So my wife has been in Haiti for nearly a week and I’ve been holding down the fort with our five villagers (8 and under) at home.

In the midst of being completely starved of any adult conversation, I received a text message from her today that didn’t surprise me a bit, but also launched one phrase into the orbit of my mind:

“I’ve created a monster.”

One of the highest priorities my organization, SafeWorld, has right now is maternal health…which is a critical area of need, and I wager it has significant effects on every other major humanitarian issue. But, that’s a topic for another day…

Jordana’s text message simply said she wants to be a midwife.

As I said, I wasn’t surprised. We’ve talked about it at great length, all of our children have been born at home (including one I actually delivered because our midwife was late…you’ll read about that next week), and she’s always loved everything about pregnancy / labor / delivery. (Weirdo).

And, I sent her down to interact with some friends in Haiti who are running an amazing maternity center. Brilliant. Now I suppose she’ll want to bring her dream to life…to…help people.

We’ll jokingly say things like “I’ve created a monster” when we know we’ve played a role in awakening something in someone else.

Typically we use that line to mask our annoyance. But for me, it’s begun to mean something different. I almost feel like Colin Clive yelling “It’s alive!” in the 1931 version of Frankenstein.

It’s good to be alive…it’s good to help bring things to life, especially the passions and dreams of someone you love greatly.

While we’re alive is the only time we have to turn passions into tangibility.

I don’t know about you, but I always give myself plenty of freedom to chase dreams, fully expecting my family to tag along for the ride.

My wife, Jordana, has been consistently faithful, supportive, and encouraging…even when my pursuit hits a wall and we must change direction. But for some reason, when she lights the fuse of one of her dreams, I get nervous…I mean…if she sees this through, it could really affect me (which is code for “I may have to give something up and I don’t want to, so she should probably hold off for a while”).

It’s scary when you hear things like, “I think I’d like to go back to school” … “What do you think about adoption?” … “What if we sold everything and moved to a different country?”

Each of us is designed with longings that, if nurtured, will change this earth. So, when your spouse, friend, family member, comes to you with those expectant eyes: don’t ever ever suffocate their desires.

Few things are as convicting or gut-wrenching as watching the light go out because you assassinated someone’s yearning. I say this because it’s happened to me, and I’ve done it to Jordana before. I’ve seen the light go out…but now it’s back…and this time, I’m ready.

Be a listener…be a question asker…give them room to fail…but never be a dream killer.

Hold the door for them as they step out…be a red carpet unraveler (new word?), then cheer the loudest as you walk the road with them. You aren’t in charge of the timeframe of their dream, but you have huge impact on the quality of its life. Their dream might even look completely different in the end than it sounded in the beginning, but they need to know that you will not.

And yes, it will cramp your world a bit. It might even change everything.

Remember, you are your spouse’s first community. Their safe haven is with you, and together your refuge is in Christ. 

Frederick Buechner says, “The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”

The world has a deep hunger for something that makes someone else deeply glad…and they need you to help bring it to life. Even if you aren’t married, you still play a vital role for those in your community.

Our window in the grand timeline is short. Don’t put it off any longer.

I’ve decided I like creating monsters…especially the ones that will change the world.

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“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” // Ephesians 2:10

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Have you ever suffocated a dream of your spouse or someone else?

Why I wanted to make my wife cry

Part 1 of some thoughts on love…Wednesday is part 2

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I’ve always counted myself to be something of a romantic. In fact, when my wife and I began our collision course toward marriage, I developed a plan where I’d pull off so many legendary moments of courtship bliss that her tears of appreciation would be as plentiful as coins on Super Mario Brothers.

That…did not work out. Mostly because I expected her to melt each time I gave her a Hallmark card, and she turned out to not be much of a crier.

One night at the end of a date, I took her by the church where I led worship. The entire stage had been decorated with a hundred various candles, and a soft blue spotlight lit the grand piano in the center.

This is it, I thought, After I finish singing her this love ballad I wrote, she’ll be a puddle on the floor.

So I sang to her.

When I finished, I looked at her with an incredible imitation of “the smolder” from Tangled, fully expecting tears to be pouring down her cheeks.

Instead…she looked back at me (completely dry-eyed), smiled and said, “That was beautiful, thank you.”

Are. You. Freaking. Kidding. Me?!

That was so romantic that I almost cried!

Why was she resisting my powerful gestures of love?

She wasn’t. I simply had a huge misunderstanding of the purpose of love.

The whole time I had been trying to use love as a weapon to garner a particular response. I was treating love like a stock; if I bought enough shares, at some point surely it would begin paying dividends. In a strange way, it was as if I was seeing her as an option in a vending machine…all I had to do was drop in the right amount of love coins, press a few buttons, and voilà! She’d be mine.

But that’s not how love works at all.

Actually, learning how to love will end up changing us far more than it ever changes anyone else.

Whenever you see a command for us to love mentioned in the Bible, it’s always associated with sacrifice.

When we love…we are changed.

Love chips away at our fear…

Love lays waste to our selfishness…

Love erases expectations and grudges…

Love requires us to give our lives away…

As C.S. Lewis so poignantly explains, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

The aptly named “Love Chapter” (1 Corinthians 13) is bluntly honest about what love should and shouldn’t be like.

The summary is this: love is generous. In authority, in service, in discipline, in difficulty, in hurt, in relationships.

Of course, the most incredible picture of this is shared in what must be the most famous verse in all of Scripture…John 3:16…

”For God loved the world so much that he gave…”

Before you even existed, He gave. Before you ever knew you needed Him, He gave.

In the same way, the story of our lives should be…

Because we love…we give.

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Who needs you to personify that today?